New Trier’s infamous WiFi conglomeration is rumored to be fixed, and the Near True News has decided to investigate their surprising solution.
We spoke with Mr. Computer, lead IT guy, about the issue. “We figured that a more analog style of WiFi would solve any connectivity issues that might arise with a complex system,” said Computer. “Now that our students have migrated to the new wi-fi, they should see fewer errors with their file storage.”
The solution, you ask? New Trier has fully switched to a local network dubbed the “Analog Paper IP,” an analog service consisting of nothing but real, physical paper——as well as Ink and Pens (IP).
The IP service has benefitted students in myriad ways. To name the most substantial, New Trier is no longer required to pay exorbitant prices for a school district cloud storage plan. This means the school has extra cash saved to invest in more important things, like indoor fields, and glass.
However, these benefits do bring some of their own challenges. Students have reportedly experienced difficulties transitioning to the new norm, from chargeable Apple pencils to sharpenable wooden pencils. There was also a reported increase in “paper cuts,” a type of malicious security breach most often directed at the finger. “The school’s cybersecurity team is working on a permanent solution for this attack, which they are calling “lamination,” but for now they have advised all students to bring a pair of oven mitts to school as temporary protection.
This means the school has extra cash saved to invest in more important things, like indoor fields, and glass.
Due to the increase in paper consumption, the school opted for producing paper themselves, using adapted paper-making instructions from ancient scripture written by artisans. However, there is now an observable clearing in the forest near the Northfield campus, which has significantly impacted the Northfield wildlife. The wildlife, now devoid of outside habitat, have decided to look elsewhere for their residences. Three environmentally-minded students reported bird nests being built inside classrooms, which would be fine if it weren’t for the substantial influx of worms carried in by mother birds wishing to feed their chicks.
We talked to Paul “Big Red” Clifford, star of the bowling team, to gauge his thoughts about the new network. “It’s honestly been difficult sending my teachers follow-up communication. After all, this carrier pigeon I’ve been given for long-distance correspondence doesn’t do much other than poop and coo. Now all of my homework is sullied with guano.”
So far, it seems there is a split between tradition and progress. The traditionalists are in favor of the old, digital format, while the progressives seem to favor the new paper and pen method. Whether this bold move to Analog Paper IP represents a return to a simple, more tactile era or just a simple yearning for tradition, one thing is clear: New Trier is pioneering a new technology so cutting-edge it’s practically regressive.
