Discarding his heart-tipped bow and arrow that we all know and love, the Cupid has now taken up a traditional trebuchet which hurls heart-shaped rocks designed to be more effective than the arrows in forcing a love-struck state upon hapless individuals. Yet the Federal Bureau of Holiday Investigation has taken Cupid into custody over possession of a weapon. It seems the heart-catapulting trebuchet was too much of an upgrade for our beloved naked baby, and now Cupid is facing up to 10 years in prison for his crimes. It is unclear if he will be tried as a juvenile or adult as the Supreme Holiday Court is currently deliberating.

While the government had its say, there is a sore lack of input from the accused about this groundbreaking decision. To deliver the most accurate report, we’ve secured a spot with this elusive cherub so we can get the inside scoop from the unswaddled baby himself!

“Googoo gah-bah, goo bah bah, gubglub bloo glu,” he told the Near True News. In response to questions about the nature of his arrest, Cupid gave the following opinions:

“Gah, goborse. Go gah gid bobo bah, goo hahmah na na… ga googoo bago gah, glop blop blah.”

When asked about the new instatement of the trebuchet in lieu of his bow and arrow, Mr. Cupid commented on the strength of Valentine’s Day culture:

“Well, you must understand that Valentine’s Day is a central holiday to people all around the world. Much like Christmas, Valentine’s Day is rooted in profound tradition which spans a multitude of timelines while also serving as a microcosm of human experience. As such, a cultural treasure as deeply rooted as Valentine’s Day will not even budge with these slanderous efforts, and my change from a traditional bow and arrow to a trebuchet is not only a much more effective choice, but ultimately in favor of all those lovers out there. The trebuchet is in many ways a much more sustainable —”

We’re surely interested to see the outcome of this trial, as it seems the cherub has got some strong defense lined up. The future of Valentine’s Day seems uncertain, but Cupid has full faith in his impending victory in court, stating “googoo” and “glah” in response to doubts.