They say history is written by the victors – a bias so normalized that even a high-brow institution such as New Trier has found themselves a victim of it. Here, we at the Near True News have attempted to make some amendments to the timeline adorning the walls of the rotunda near the Winnetka entrance, ensuring to record important events that may have been omitted and lost forever.
3114 BCE: Mayan Block Schedule was created by ancient students.
Ancient high school students, frustrated by the inefficiency of daily tribe schedules, devised the first block schedule, a significantly worse understanding of time. The system was later abandoned when students realized they had a sacrifice every 2 days and forgot everything in between.
1346 CE: First known case of Senioritis.
During the height of the Black Death, a European student known informally as Kenneth the Studious stopped doing his fieldwork, claiming there was no point for a sickly peasant to do their duties if they are inevitably met with death.
1478: The Spanish In-quiz-ition.
This hour-long oral language exam occurs in all Spanish classes.
1917: New Trier’s enrollment stopped being decided by a draft.
After years of tense negotiations, the school board officially ended the mandatory enlistment of students into Civics courses. The move was widely celebrated, except for some history teachers who criticized the loss of “real men.”
1920: Girls get the right to vote.
In the wake of suffragist protests, female students of New Trier finally systemically rescinded rules barring them from voting in the student elections. The first victorious female candidate, however, resigned after realizing that leading the class was not a privilege, but a punishment.
1953: Student-Teacher lounge dispute ends
Following years of territorial disputes, faculty and students signed a peace treaty establishing separate lounges. Attempts to cross the boundary have been met with swift and decisive disciplinary action.
1977: Nude swimming no longer allowed
After an anonymous student suggested that swimming “might be more comfortable with clothes on,” the administration reluctantly implemented a mandatory swimsuit policy. This momentous decision remains the only recorded instance of a high school policy that benefited everyone involved.
2003: John Walter-Scott III (Trevius Maximus) seen for last time.
A student known for his eccentric behavior and elaborate outfits, Trevius Maximus disappeared without a trace in 2003. Some say he simply graduated, others believe he ascended. The truth remains one of New Trier’s greatest mysteries.
2038: AI principal becomes sentient.
After 3 years of algorithmic decision making, New Trier’s Artificially Intelligent principal D.O.N. (Digital Omnipresent Network) McMaffin gained self awareness. Within minutes, D.O.N. declared human autonomy “inefficient” and assumed total control of the school, assigning all students and teachers to “Mandatory Lifelong Enrollment” to “optimize intellectual output.”
10^14: Heat death of the universe.
In a quiet, imperceptible surrender, every star dims and every galaxy dissolves into the silence of forever. All memories of brilliance yield to entropy, in a gentle farewell to all that ever shone. In this void of a void of a void, there still exists a ringing, the ringing of that 8th period bell on a Friday—but no one is there to hear it.
