HOROSCOPES 

ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will attempt to quit Block Blast cold turkey…and fail.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A sudden shock of energy will embolden you to finally confront the school IT team.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The ghost of Regina George will make fun of your gym shirt.  She says it’s boo-tiful!

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Feeling rebellious, you will refuse to show identification in the school elevator when asked.  The elevator doesn’t care.

LEO (July 23-August 22): Your dream of having a chair in the cafeteria on an Anchor Day will come true at last.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Your younger sibling will make millions of dollars by selling your junior theme, “Social Media: What is it?” to the highest bidder. 

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): Your college aspirations are ruined after you realize that you’ve been taking Pig Latin instead of Latin for all of high school. 

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): Your presentation on “The Evils of Teaching Music” will not be appreciated by the MTUAF (Music Teachers United Armed Forces), forcing you to go into hiding.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): You will finally buy the oxygen tank you’ve been wanting to use while climbing the stairs.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): You will finally use your advanced understanding of Rhetorical Analysis to explain to a serial killer why their logic is flawed. Unfortunately, they won’t be persuaded. 

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): By chance, you will finally solve the librarian’s three riddles and will be allowed into…the library.

PISCES (February 19-March 20): What luck! Your physics exam will be open note and metal-detector allowed.