Graduation is a momentous occasion, filled with joy, excitement, and nervousness. For decades, New Trier has adhered to its traditions of requiring students to wear black and white and walk across the stage with a singular red rose. The ceremony is visually striking, so much so that the school has recently announced that it will extend Graduation from the typical three hours to twelve.
At the School Board meeting where this development was made public, officials explained their reasoning for the drastic change. Mr. Clarence Pomp, president of the school board, proudly spoke of his love for New Trier Graduation traditions. “From now on,” he declared, “Students and families alike will have the privilege of enjoying the visual beauty of the ceremony for twelve hours.” With this proclamation came a wave of questions.
One parent stood up and inquired about how the extra nine hours of graduation would be filled. The board members looked at each other knowingly and explained that graduation would now feature a high-energy halftime show.
“Think Super Bowl. Laser lights. Booming speakers. Lady Gaga,” said Pomp. The performers are set to sing for about an hour, making this show four times as long as the super-bowl halftime show. When asked about why this new addition would be necessary, Pomp waxed poetic about the visual excitement this show would bring to the ceremony.
Naturally, more questions followed about the use of the other additional ceremonial hours. Pomp once again addressed these questions directly: “Keeping with the theme of halftime, attendees will now be required to watch a football game between the New Trier Varsity and Junior Varsity Football Teams, without the seniors of course. To maintain the formality of the occasion, our fashion design students have been diligently working on jerseys designed to look like faux white tuxedo jackets.” At this, the parents attending the meeting stood and applauded, apparently ecstatic to hear that the dress code would not be relaxed, even for athletic pursuits.
The last, and possibly most sentimental addition to the graduation schedule, is a speech for each graduate. Pomp described how these speeches would be given.
“As each graduate is called to the stage, a eulogy-style speech will be presented by none other than Principal McMaffin himself,” Pomp announced. “Mr. McMaffin takes great pride in knowing about each and every student personally, and he wanted to share his love of the student body by speaking for roughly 5 minutes for each student. From our perspective, it is almost as if the graduating class is dying on graduation day, as they pass on from the Trevian way of life to their next great step. It is only fitting, therefore, that each graduating student be remembered for their excellence at our institution.”
Though this addition will significantly extend the ceremony, Mr. McMaffin firmly believes in his ability to give almost 1,000 five-minute eulogies.
Of course, the room quieted after this last announcement, and the Board decided to address the elephant in the room.
“You may be wondering how you will remain comfortable during a twelve hour ceremony,” Pomp began, “However, we believe that there are a multitude of strategies available to make this the most enjoyable experience of your life. We encourage attendees and graduating seniors to wear Camelbak backpacks filled with water to prevent dehydration. These will have to adhere to the dress code, so naturally they must be black or white with little bow ties to tie the whole look together, so to speak. We will also provide a small snack box under each seat, including slightly squishy grapes, a crushed granola bar, and a sad blue and green sugar cookie that will most definitely dye your teeth. We on the School Board believe this to be sufficient nutrition for the beautiful ceremony before us.”
A murmur passed through the room, and within a few seconds, it seemed that the audience agreed that these provisions were satisfactory. Though some discomfort might ensue, the new graduation ceremony agenda is highly supported due to its emphasis on physical beauty over the pursuit of knowledge.
