The New Trier Powerlifting team, after many years of seeing little success in their sport, has adapted a new perspective that is sending shockwaves through the competitive powerlifting community. Eschewing the traditional soaked-in-sweat grind, the team has wholeheartedly embraced the mantra of “Work smarter, not harder.”
The shift in strategy, spearheaded by newly appointed coach Dr. Jasper Oops, has led to some unconventional training practices. Gone are the days of cumbersome sets of squats and deadlifts. Instead, the team can now be seen in the gym meticulously arranging complex mechanisms consisting of levers and pulleys.
“Why strain your back when a well-placed fulcrum can do the heavy lifting for you?” Dr. Oops enthusiastically explained during a recent interview, gesturing towards a contraption involving a repurposed seesaw and what appeared to be a miniature pony acting as a counterweight. “It’s all about efficiency, you see. Here at the New Trier Athletics Department we’re all about minimal personal exertion.”
Perhaps the most controversial tactic involves what the team refers to as “Psychological Weight Reduction.” This involves intense pre-lift exercises where team members imagine the formidable weights as fluffy kittens or particularly light boxes of pastries. “It’s all in the mind,” insists sophomore Dusty Chamomile. “If you truly believe that the barbell is an especially airy croissant, well then, it practically lifts itself!”
Rumors abound regarding other ingenious techniques employed by the team. Whispers of hidden winches installed in their lifting belts, strategically placed electromagnets in the ceiling to increase upward force, and even a prototype pneumatic titanium exoskeleton (still in the “experimental” phase, according to whistleblowers) have fueled outrage among rival teams.
The Illinois Powerlifting Association has sent multiple representatives to observe the new practices, with suspicion of cheating. Dr. Oops, however, remains unfazed by the dismantling attempts. “They simply lack vision,” he declared, adjusting his balloonist goggles like a true visionary. “We are not just lifting weights—-we are lifting our minds!.”
As the powerlifting season progresses, New Trier is prepared to receive countless waves of backlash from traditionalists. For now, though, all eyes will be on the New Trier team to see if their unorthodox methods will lead them to victory.
