We writers at the Near True News have consulted all three of the holders of Ph.D.s in Trevian Mythos and the reclusive Prophet of the Scrounge to compile this important document. We humbly present what the morning announcements should have been all along; this veritable magnum opus of our writing staff serves as a playbook for all future policies regarding any usage of the school’s announcement system. Each day, one of these brilliant ideas will be chosen to begin the morning over the loudspeakers.
- The Near True News Horoscopes. Astrology should be of the highest importance to any scientifically-minded institution.
- New Trier’s Mandatory Conscription for General Public Service™. Students are conscripted to serve in one of the following capacities:
- Play for New Trier Football Team.
- Attend all NT Football games as an interested crowd member
- Plead guilty to vaping in the bathroom, even if you didn’t
- Act as this week’s public shaming target
- Fun and low-stakes trivia! Winning advisery is exempt from this week’s Mandatory Conscription for General Public Service™.
- Peloton Class! Enthusiastic participation is gently encouraged and aggressively enforced. The law has no say here, only Aubreigh McCallahan, a fearless Peloton instructor and tyrant.
- Motivational Quotes! “Instead of listening to these stupid announcements, go do something with your time.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
- More Club Announcements—now in Morse Code! It’s probably just Outside the Box Club again
- (Loud) Ringing! New Trier Township High School is now the only high school in the state to require severe tinnitus as a graduation requirement.
- Mindfulness and white noise! The first 20 minutes of advisery, played very loudly. Followed by the typical announcements.
- Daily Affirmations! Choose from any of the following:
- You got this!
- You are great!
- Today is going to be great!
- It is enough to do your best!
- Don’t worry about that fire alarm!
- Movies (Audio Only)! There isn’t room in the budget for synchronized video after paying for the new gym, so see the action…in your mind.
