ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will purchase a private aisle. Aisle 7, to be precise, in the Northfield Mariano’s.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Checkmate! You will get beaten up by a bishop.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A chair will be thrown at you for no rhyme but plenty of reason, resulting in your resigning from the Crappy Rap Lyrics Club.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): It’s all a dream. Dream Theater. Live at Red Rocks.

LEO (July 23-August 22): Your AP Spanish grade will not be, shall we say, “Splendissima.”

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): You will sneeze three hundred times in a row, eventually forcing the crowd in the theatre to smother you with a popcorn bag.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): You want your life to be like “Ooh ahh,” but once you get that titanium rod inserted, it’s more like “Ooh! Ouch!”

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): The head editor of The Near True News will leave to go to college, but tragically will disappear mid-flight in a high-stakes balloon accident.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): A millipede will sprain 999 ankles, allowing you to win the State Bug Race Championship—but also to lose a friend.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): It’s time to invest your Kohl’s Cash in something that matters, like Target.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): It’s your first day home after graduation. You think you’re finally free, until you grab a rose and it immediately wilts and disintegrates.  The curse continues.

PISCES (February 19-March 20): Love will find you when you least expect it (Yesterday, when you were busy weeping uncontrollably.).