Club conversions due to recent budget cuts


Here at New Trier everything seems hunky-dory on the surface. Clubs, for the most part, exist independent of each other and do so cheerfully. However, re-cent budget cuts and tax hikes have left clubs floundering in crippling debt. As a result, investment club was forced to file for chapter nine bankruptcy and real estate club had all their land foreclosed upon.

Other clubs though, have banded together to fight the recent economic cri-sis and limited classroom space, creating brand-spanking-new club combinations. Of these bombastic friendships, the merger of ping pong and cereal club has risen to notoriety. As a result of this un-holy relationship, a new party game has risen to popularity and has swept across the township faster than a code to a star-bucks Groupon. The common name for this game is cereal pong, but the kids call it fruit loops and it has become the activity of choice for those in the combined cereal ping pong club. Every Thursday morning students can be seen stumbling into advisery still feeling the high of 1% milk and frosted flakes while muttering “Nuh-uh?! You’re the silly rabbit. Kids!”

In another effort to combat budget cuts and limited space, all clubs of specific cultures have merged together to form human race club. Clubs of all different ethnicities and backgrounds banded together in their collective interests, an unprecedented dis-play of human compassion and empathy. This motley crew of clubs briefly formed United Nations Club and attempted to govern itself in a controlled manner. How-ever, after no more than twenty minutes peaceful coexistence, conflict erupted throughout the classroom. Almost immediately, the larger ethnic groups began occupying the tables of other clubs in a very rash display of power. German Club invaded and occupied Polish Culture Club, and members of Croatian Club assassinated leader of Austrian Club, Archduke Franz Ferdinand. This sparked a conflict that spanned across all clubs ended in disaster for Japanese Culture Club.

Finally, with no space in New Trier gyms, thanks to the relocation of gaming club to the weight room, dodgeball club was forced to head outside. Faced with similar space limitations, paintball and archery club joined them to form a Frankenstein-esque amalgamation of what could hardly be considered a club, but would be more accurately described as a guerilla warfare simulator and flesh wound creator. The members of the formerly-named Dodgeball Club have suffered most, unfortunately paying no mind to the age old saying, “don’t bring a harmless foam ball to a gunfight.” This new club has caused a massive spike in visits to the nurse’s office and has perplexed nurses. One nurse recalls the first time she encountered on of these injured club members, “This kid walked in with three arrows in his left shoulder, I took those suckers out and pre-scribed him the usual: lying down and a singular children’s strength Advil. When that didn’t stop the bleeding, I gave him an ice pack, our last resort that we usually save for severe fevers between 98 and 100 degrees, that didn’t work either so I was forced to send the poor child home.”

Hopefully, in the coming year these problems will be resolved. With the construction of the new building, there will be ample room for each club to exist on its own without getting in another’s way— although young democrats club might be hanging around Erika’s Lighthouse until they recover from the presidential election. Until then however, jazz band will just have to try to play over the deafening sound of power saws emanating from woodshop.