New Trier Anonymous Apologies

Want to apologize to your friend but you’re scared to be there when they react? Use our anonymously published apology column! Submit your apology and your friends will understand when they read the newspaper, OR, 200 other people will read it and think you’re talking to them.

Eli Trokenheim|November 10, 2020

  • “I’m sorry about that time when I ran over your hamster with your neighbor’s tricycle, I didn’t realize how fast tricycles could go” 
  • “I just want you to know that it was an accident about your backpack. I like to think that I didn’t technically set it on fire but rather it burst into flames because I left it too close to the hell-beast portal”
  • “Sometimes mistakes are made, and that was what happened when I left you in that dumpster. Your pile-of-leaves-in-a-trash-bag costume was surprisingly good and I didn’t hear your screams because Amazon Music just added the song that the dwarves sang in Snow White. I’ve been waiting since 1937”
  • “I’m sorry that I left you in the parking lot of Costco during a blizzard, but in my defense, the bears were running really fast and I wanted to make sure they didn’t get the chicken nuggets in my car. I know that you thought it was a “traumatic experience” or whatever about being cold and attacked and abandoned without any chicken nuggets, but I like to think it builds character. I’m quite the optimist.”
  • “You know people always say to expect the unexpected, but how was I supposed to know that walruses don’t eat pine cones?”
  • “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know she was your mom.”
  • “Hope the coma is temporary.”