When I was applying for colleges, I really struggled to find the perfect essay to encompass my entire being. Fortunately, my pet squirrel brought me a fully written essay from my neighbor’s garbage can, and I was accepted into the Omega One School of Fish Food. I hope these sample essays will be your gateway to discovering your own dreams.

Describe an example of adversity you faced. I died. More specifically, I died when a hash brown exploded out of my pan and obliterated my face. Interestingly, I was resurrected in the form of a pine tree and spelled out messages to my family with pinecones and needles. My struggles as a tree taught me to appreciate everything that I have. I’ll forever pine for the ability to eat hash browns unafflicted by crippling PTDD (post-traumatic death disorder).

Describe something you’re passionate about. I feel no passion for anything other than throwing rotting gourds at car windshields as they pass by my house. Their responses ranged from “I’ll cook you and your family like rotisserie chickens in my industrial grade convection oven” to maniacal cackling and then eating the gourds. Someone also said they’ll sue me for “reckless endangerment” (whatever that is), but please, I’ve blamed the gourds on local raccoons for 17 years. They’ve got nothing on me.

How do you use your talents to enrich other people’s lives? I have no talent. I’m perfectly content to be a useless skin sack of water and bones. 

What are you most proud of? One time I swallowed an entire floor lamp. All 7 feet of the pole including the base, lightbulb and lamp shade. The people from Guinness World Records asked if I wanted to be profiled in the “50 Outrageous Esophageal Feats” section of next year’s edition, but I swallowed that lamp for personal fulfillment only.

When was your favorite time you crashed a wedding? My aunt’s 5th marriage. She already banned me from her weddings after her 3rd marriage when I put a possum in her dressing room, but I just couldn’t resist. This time, I put a pigeon inside the wedding cake and it ate its way out. Turns out my aunt was allergic to pigeons and she went to the hospital, but she never liked me anyway. I love harmless, good-natured wedding pranks.