Administration reveals plan to convert cafeteria into mall food court

The plan will include several new shops at the cost of eating space and classrooms


Last December, the Board of Education unveiled plans to finalize its Nine Year Plan™ to fully convert the cafeteria into a shopping mall. In addition to the preexisting salad bar, coffee bar, sandwich bar, snack bar, caviar bar, and lobster bar, the renovation will bring to New Trier students classic experiences that can be found at all your favorite malls throughout the country.

“Our robust plan will enhance the quintessential high school experiences of our students,” Administrative Officer of Student Activities Don MacMaphin, said. “We felt, survey after survey, after survey, after survey, after survey, our students lacked one thing and absolutely nothing else: a chance to commit their lives to the perpetuation of American consumerism.”

The plan will also bring new food options to students. The school has already signed 3,400 contracts with mall restaurants such as Auntie Anne’s and Sbarro  eagerly waiting to price gouge the student body of New Trier.

“I think it’s a terrific idea. Our student body must be introduced to the culture of corporate America,” said an anonymous student wearing a suspicious amount of Chick-fil-A merchandise.

These restaurants will not only occupy space in the cafeteria, though. Auntie Anne’s contract includes blueprints to construct 45 pretzel stations throughout the school. “We want to make our pretzel stations more accessible than anything else in the school, even the WiFi. With the plans we have in place, it seems like we’ll have locations that are closer to most classrooms than bathrooms and drinking fountains,” said Auntie Anne’s CEO, Uncle Anne.

We want to make our pretzel stations more accessible than anything else in the school, even the WiFi.

The Board’s long-term vision also includes opportunities to lease parts of the campus to other businesses, including Lowes, PetSmart, and Ferrari have also registered for space in the cafeteria.

The plan also hopes to introduce students to early consumerism and how to be a perfect citizen in a capitalist society. Alongside revolutionary food options, new classes will be introduced in the Business Education Department to teach students how to interact with these shops. Some examples include Intro to Exchanging Paper Money, AP Money Wasting: Buying Random Things You’ll Never Use, Accelerated Learning How to Read A Credit Card Out Loud, and Child Labor Studies.

“We’re hoping more and more students will take these classes and advance those ‘real-life skills’ all these kids are demanding nowadays,” Director of Educational Content John Buchanan said.

Although these classes focus on training students for the consumer side of business, there are certainly opportunities provided by the school to learn how to be a part of the workforce.

Administrators plan to outsource labor to students by training them to eventually replace the paid workers; the details on the working conditions are still unclear after nine emails sent to parents.

“We are hesitant to pay students for their labor, considering these job opportunities will be vital in students getting future jobs. In a way, we are responsible for the money that future students will make,” an email sent out to parents said. “The experience itself will create many opportunities which in turn will create profit for students.”