HOROSCOPES 

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You stand, triumphant, over a battered body. You’ve won the desperate grapple for the construction paper cutout of Trevius Maximus, soon to be brought to the student activities department in room 036 for the chance to win a Home Goods gift card. 

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

BEWARE THE MUFFIN MAN!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Avoid any new relationships. The mafia have almost found you, and it’s a little toxic to burden a new dating partner with that kind of baggage. 

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

All those chips you stole from the cafeteria have a price. $1.80 a bag, to be precise. You’ll pay in blood and snot. 

LEO (July 23-August 22)

All your friends hate you. (You didn’t fix inflation).

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

Next time you’re at a hotel, the yogurt will run out the minute before going to breakfast. 

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

You will discover that your crush is gay. Luckily, so are you.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)

You won’t be alone for Valentine’s Day this year. Your fellow inmates will keep you company.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)

Your wife will divorce you upon discovering your tongue clicking habit. Now you won’t have to tell her about the four other women you’ve been seeing. 

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

You will find joy in the most common of places. Although even the gods will be surprised by the utter bliss you will find waiting in line at the DMV. 

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

Your relationships are all on the brink of collapse. It’s because you’re allergic to peanuts. 

PISCES (February 19-March 20)

February 18th, 2032; 9:13am; heart attack