Q: HOW DO I GET OVER MY PHOBIA OF IGSS KIDS?

Dear Miss Advice,

This is so embarrassing, but I have no other option. I am a terrible student and the only way I can pass high school is to take IGSS and not get grades. But the truth is, IGSS kids freak me out. They’re just kinda creepy and I don’t know how I am supposed to get past the feeling of dread I get whenever I see them and get hit with the musk of essential oils. What do you suggest?

Please Help,

Friday Surfer

Dear Friday Surfer,

I completely understand how you feel. I myself had a phobia of IGSS kids my sophomore year after being trapped at the bottom of a IGSS cuddle pile. Luckily, there are steps you can take to work through this anxiety. 

Foremost, I recommend exposure therapy. You can usually find an IGSS kid or two huddled in one of the third floor bathrooms. Try hovering around the stall to get used to their aura. If they sense your presence, offer a floral deodorant as a sign of peace. 

Though IGSS kids are almost always on a field trip into Chicago, it is also possible to find them in their natural habitat: The IGSS Lounge. Sitting near this lounge–but far enough away to avoid being seen–will allow you to discretely observe their daily hacky sack session. It is also important to stay calm when the IGSS randomly start applauding other IGSS kids for minor achievements. They just sort of do that sometimes.

The next step is to log their behavior. Keep in mind that we fear what we do not understand. Once you have a record of their customs and idiosyncrasies, you will be able to predict how the IGSS kids will act in any given situation. This preparation will inoculate you from shock and dismay when they address their teacher by his first name. 

Try doing some research in the school archives as well. There is a secret, feather-bound file hidden underneath the floorboards of its back room. In it, you will find everything from the history of the program to the autopsy reports of past IGSS students!

Lastly, you must remember the IGSS motto: Transform yourself, transform the world. Since you are entering the program, that means the metamorphosis has already begun! Soon enough, you will be a part of the IGSS-perience. You need to remember your fears are unfounded and that some of the IGSS kids can be IGSS-ceptional friends. Since you are already one of them, you must learn to IGSS-cept it. I believe in you, take care!

Spread Your Wings,

Miss Advice