ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your consumer teacher will warn you that inflation won’t raise your GPA

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The book store worker will argue with you; you will leave crying

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You will slowly notice all your teachers have been kidnapped and replaced by exact replicas

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The invasion will commence

LEO (July 23-August 22): You will be publicly humiliated for using the empty coffee bar’s exit as an entrance

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Trevius Maximus is secretly in love with you, it is now your duty to carry on the Trevion lineage

LIBRA (September 23-October 22):.You will draw the shortest straw in biology, making you today’s sacrifice!

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): This Friday, you will learn about the values of nutrition and healthy eating in health after having devoured almost a dozen donuts in advisory

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21):You will trip and fall after yet another mysterious liquid is poured down the stairs

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): Your gym teacher will write you a beautiful ode. Luckily, you don’t know how to read.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): Beware of the people fighting in the hallway during 7th period, you might be collateral damage

PISCES (February 19-March 20): You will get high kicked in the face by each NTDT member while trying to get something from the scrounge vending machine.