“College Board is by far my least favorite type of board. Surf boards are fine, but I’m more of a mountain person than a beach person. Otherwise, I’m a certified wooden board hater, from dusk to dawn. Ever since a devastating incident involving karate and a banana peel, I have never been quite fond of them. I am also decidedly against all diving boards for reasons that I cannot disclose…”

—Jedediah Winthrop

“The College Board saved my life from complete ruin! I got an A minus in AP Competitive Watermelon Eating, and the generous robots at the College Board still gave me a 4-year scholarship to Harvard University! Can you believe that? I would give my own life for that organization.”

—Annabelle Popover

“I am personally indifferent to the College Board. However, I think it is important to note their involvement in the rigging of numerous county elections.”

—Jerald Frankfurter Jr.

“So you’re telling me MILLIONS of children are doing FREE LABOR for these people? Cancel the College Board!”

—CJ II