ARIES (March 21-April 19): In a cruel twist of fate, Trevius Maximus will find out that you never voted in the ABC7 Friday Flyover poll, resulting in ridicule and mockery..

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Gastric distress and deliciousness converge after you volunteer to enter a cupcakes eating contest for your lunch period final.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You will attempt to eat cherries at school, but decide to swallow them whole because you are too embarrassed to spit out the stones

CANCER (June 21-July 22): New Trier will gift you yet another stress ball. It will be ripped to shreds within seconds.

LEO (July 23-August 22): You will begin wearing your TI-nspire calculator around your neck, just in case.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): After you find your uncle on the laundry room floor, you start to wonder if your pet dart frog may not be as loyal as you thought.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): Your firstborn is destined to be a dry texter.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): AP Calculus is not your calling. Unfortunately, neither is survival.  Follow us into the woods.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): A wizard will place upon you a terrible hex, forcing you to dance Gangnam Style.  However, the only antidote is also dancing Gangnam Style, resulting in both eternal torment and eternal joy.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): You will receive a butt dial from the one and only Garfield. (The U.S. President, not the cat.)  

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): Your class will go into lockdown because of a fallen Hydroflask.

PISCES (February 19-March 20): Your transatlantic journey will come to a premature halt once you realize you forgot to get a boat.