ARIES (March 21-April 19): Joining the hacky sack circle in your free period will consequentially lead to the destruction of your ACL, MCL, Achilles, Meniscus, and funny bone.  But you also will meet some chill dudes who love to just hang, brah.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20):Your dog will be chosen for an AP Chem experiment where students will try to turn it into a Pop-Tart.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): All of your academic skills will be replaced with the ability to yodel really well.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your teacher will leave the room during the Lord of the Flies unit. You will be the first one eaten.

LEO (July 23-August 22): The foreign exchange students from Trier, Germany will make you eat schnitzel until you like it.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): You will finally learn that New Trier is a modern Truman Show, yet you are just an extra.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): Your acceptance letter will be rescinded after every college in the United States simultaneously figures out that New Trier students are, in fact, no good.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): You will go against the grain and vote tomorrow a shorts day, then make the best use of your bragging rights when the Sun descends upon the Earth.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21):You will buy a scone from the STUCO bake sale and discover that the lowest tip option will be 300%.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): This is a message from your future self: DO NOT choose your physics teacher as your test subject in AP Exorcism.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18):The student with the lowest grade in your history class will have to get a tattoo of George Washington on their face—and, my friend, it is not looking good for you.

PISCES (February 19-March 20): From now on Donkey Kong will throw barrels at you when you try to go up stairs. Bring your mallet.