- New Trier will rebrand to Ewnay Riertay in remembrance of those lost to the Swine Flu
- As part of a massive marketing deal with Smuckers, teachers will have to advertise jelly in between passing periods
- Scientists determine that infinite monkeys with typewriters could not write New Trier’s course catalog if given eternity
- New Trier reveals 2028 plans to begin construction of a Seville campus to combat falling AP Spanish grades
- New Trier makes revolutionary move cracking down on student vaping, adds cameras to every bathroom stall
- New Trier announces “Zero Senioritis Policy”; implements mandatory testing, lockdowns, and quarantining for afflicted E-Building classrooms.
- New Trier sees quarter zips decline as wearing a top hat and tux is the new craze
