“Throw them in the creek to see if they float. Like witches. If they float, they are unfit for a teaching career, and if they sink, they are at the bottom of the creek.”

–Robert J. Oxford, Hat Curator

“There is no better testament to the character of man than his ability to defend himself against an ostrich. This mighty bird represents the best of nature. Don’t let its warm demeanor fool you. Behind those oval eyes is an intelligent being known to play tricks with its meal. The only way to defeat it is to truly understand it, inside and out, to become one with the ostrich. Let the human mind meld with that of the ostrich, seeping deeper into the consciousness of a large, oddly shaped bird. The victor of the match will become the teacher. This, my friend, is the only way.”

—Yogi Greenleaf, Emergency Surgery Consultant

“Hot dog eating contest.”

–Muhdrah Simpson, Vegetarian

“In my opinion, the ideal gauge of human worth is the value of their liquidated assets in full.”

–Richie Mint, Bubble Gum Connoisseur