This year, New Trier decided to address its anxiety problem in the student body, seeing that a striking 225% of their students reported “feeling high levels of stress on a daily basis.”

One administrator commented on the changes: “We are taking this issue very seriously. Nothing, except the number of TVs in our lunchroom, is more important to us than the mental health of our students.”

After weeks of discussion, the board decided to make some vast changes. From now on, there will be no more oppressive tests, only “Celebrations of Learning (CLs).” Sure, these CLs are still 40 minutes of emotional distress that are weighted as a large portion of students’ grades, but students will surely relax without the harmful title of “test.”

“We are also expanding our ‘Down in the Dumps’ program, where we place underperforming AP students in piles of garbage to remind them that it’s okay to fail sometimes.”

Junior Steven Aingst commented on the issue: “I really appreciated my teacher telling me that I needed to take a break and relax. Those words resonated with me as I completed a 5 page essay that he assigned me for the next day.”

Homework is also receiving a massive upgrade. Students will now be completing “Fun-signments!” where they can have hours of fun learning, all in the comfort of their homes. Jim Teicher, a World History instructor, commented on the nature of his work now: “These new Fun-signments are great. Since students are having fun, I can assign twice the amount of work every day!”

With a plethora of changes, New Trier is finally a stress-free utopia where students learn in peace. The Bean Team will now sell quadruple espresso shots and vending machines will stock farm-raised Swedish Fish to energize students before their CLs.

Perhaps the most influential change has been the adaptation of the college counseling process. Most schools start junior year to allow for a “high school experience” and “time to figure out what they want,” but New Trier will begin barraging students with information from the second they step on the freshman campus to the day they drag their battered selves to the curb on graduation day.

“But what we’re most excited about,” Adam Inistrator––a school administrator––added, “are the new schedule changes. We wanted to shorten the school day for students, who already have a lot on their plates, so we decided to cut the passing periods from 5 minutes to 1 minute. This change will allow our Trevs to go home a full 30 minutes earlier! Every time I see a sweaty student sprinting from the basement to the fourth floor, I think, ‘that’s real progress.’”