Horoscopes: Spring 2019


Aries (March 21-April 19) – You wake up to find that your dream about attending school naked was real. Good luck getting rid of that nickname.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Remember when you told everyone that you’re “failing” math class? You actually did. Your parents’ disappointment has increased exponentially–if only you knew what that meant!

Gemini (May 21-June 20) – Your English teacher finds out you’ve only been reading Sparknotes. You find out they’ve only been reading Cliff’s Notes. Mutually assured destruction.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) – The coming months will be a prosperous time for you as long as you continue to spread the pyramid scheme that your great-aunt began years ago. Legends never die!

Leo (July 23-August 22) – You will come into contact with an old friend and your relationship will continue to flourish like it did before despite your differences. Apparently Webkinz, unlike real people, don’t care that you’re emo now.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) – The planets have aligned to help avoid letting things get to you. The horse blinders you have started wearing don’t hurt either.

Libra (September 23-October 22) – You will realize that a midnight snack of twenty-one and a half Fiber One bars wasn’t the best idea. Curled up in a ball and crying isn’t a great way to spend a morning, but being stuck on a toilet is one of the worst ways to spend an afternoon.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) – You will open your locker for the first time to learn that a family of raccoons lives there now. You are not welcome.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) – You will find love where you least expect it. Ironically, it will be where your proctologist most expects it.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) – A fortune cookie will advise you to “Follow your dreams,” so you should take it to heart and finally quit high school to pursue your SoundCloud rapping career.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) – People may judge you for wearing a tanktop in eight degree weather, but somebody has to appreciate those gains.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20) – Surprisingly, blasting “MO BAMBA” in front of your crush’s house is less of a romantic gesture and more of a violation of the restraining order.