Strengths:

• Fans will be able to attend home games without fear of getting stabbed
• 85% of players have yet to try Chicago deli sandwiches named after them
• Just competitive enough to ward off fears of Frank Thomas’ zombie
• Influx of talented young players provides fans the opportunity to finally replace their mothball-ridden Greg Maddux original.
• Most of roster can name at least five of organization’s current farm system players (probably)
• Most exciting season to date for millennial Cub fans who started following the team in 2014
• Front office whiz Theo Epstein, the first Cubs executive to employ the radical theory of drafting talented players in an effort to win
• Capable of turning routine double plays into slightly more difficult routine double

Weaknesses:

• Will continue to attempt to legitimize Iowa as a state through Triple A team
• Wrigley Field construction not scheduled for completion until 2057
• Don’t hit home runs, sometimes
• Classy professionalism of management making it hard for Bulls organization to identify with them
• Bartman still lurks in the woodwork, waiting to strike again

Advice to fans:

Get ready for another 108 years!