Sports Preview: Chicago Cubs

What strengths and weaknesses can you expect this season? We’ve got you covered!


  • Fans will be able to attend home games without fear of getting stabbed
  • 85% of players have yet to try Chicago deli sandwiches named after them
  • Just competitive enough to ward off fears of Frank Thomas’ zombie
  • Influx of talented young players provides fans the opportunity to finally replace their mothball-ridden Greg Maddux original.
  • Most of roster can name at least five of organization’s current farm system players (probably)
  • Most exciting season to date for millennial Cub fans who started following the team in 2014
  • Front office whiz Theo Epstein, the first Cubs executive to employ the radical theory of drafting talented players in an effort to win
  • Capable of turning routine double plays into slightly more difficult routine double


  • Will continue to attempt to legitimize Iowa as a state through Triple A team
  • Wrigley Field construction not scheduled for completion until 2057
  • Don’t hit home runs, sometimes
  • Classy professionalism of management making it hard for Bulls organization to identify with them
  • Bartman still lurks in the woodwork, waiting to strike again


Advice to fans:

Get ready for another 108 years!