• School bell replaced with Bavarian yodeler
  • Economic inflation sadly not factoring into GPA inflation
  • New Trier cuts costs by crowdsourcing student knowledge instead of using teachers
  • APUSH students demand change to Americentric curriculum
  • Noun adverbally verbs whilst verbing a noun.
  • Near True News social media consultant faces backlash over TikTok thirst trap on official account
  • New Trier lowers stress by no longer asking about it
Avery S

Avery S, Professional obsessor and critic of amateur (i.e. all) fanfiction

Avery is not the first mutant to attend New Trier, but she is the first one who gets nauseous at the sight of chalkboards. In her free time she attempts to be Spider-Man while trying to overcome her fear of spiders. She is famous for regretting taking summer school, eating anything with curry, and giving unsolicited movie opinions to strangers. Her special skills include ruining pasta and having no plans on a Friday night. Avery’s dream is to wake up in a nursing home with no relatives. Please note to not discuss any topics with her as she will get very aggressive in her opinions.

All content by Avery Sturm
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The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier
Avery Sturm