Major Whoopsie Reported Downtown
New Trier Receives No Presents From Santa Because of its Sorry Lack of a Chimney
Obstruction of just-ice? Cafeteria Freezer Frozen Shut
Artfully Stained Cafeteria Chair Sold at Anchor Day Auction to Dtudent for $30 million.
Teachers Confused About Which Raptors They’re Supposed to Bring for Attendance
The Canvas Panda Has Gone Missing
Upcoming Super Bowl Halftime Show will be “Powerful Tribute to the World of Podcasting”

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

Near True News Staff

The Near True News Staff is an autonomous collective dedicated to researching, composing, and communicating the hard-hitting stories that impact students of New Trier. All articles, lists, opinions, critiques, reviews, observations, and musings are generated by a hive mind of writers, artists, and editors employed by the Near True News. The Near True News Staff dedicates itself to being a unilateral voice, one that speaks stridently, confidently, and ignorantly on the issues of today. The Near True News Staff will gladly pretend to consider your feedback before being distracted by something else.

All content by Near True News Staff

HOT TAKES: How do YOU think NT teachers should be assessed?

Near True News Staff • December 11, 2024

“Throw them in the creek to see if they float. Like witches. If they float, they are unfit for a teaching career, and if they sink, they are at the bottom of the creek.” –Robert J. Oxford, Hat...

Winter Horoscopes

Near True News Staff • December 11, 2024

ARIES (March 21-April 19): In a cruel twist of fate, Trevius Maximus will find out that you never voted in the ABC7 Friday Flyover poll, resulting in ridicule and mockery.. TAURUS (April 20-May 20):...

Spring Horoscopes 2024

Near True News Staff • March 13, 2024

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your consumer teacher will warn you that inflation won’t raise your GPA TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The book store worker will argue with you; you will leave crying GEMINI...

Hot Takes: How do you feel about the Niagara Falls power plant commencing operation in 1896?

Near True News Staff • November 29, 2023

The History: The Niagara Falls power plant, also known as the Edward Dean Adams Power Plant, is a historic hydroelectric power station that began operation in 1896. It was the first large-scale, alternating...

Feeling old yet?

Near True News Staff • November 15, 2023

George Washington and Aristotle. You heard that right, the dynamic duo is gone. They were both found dead together, swaddled in each other’s arms after a helicopter accident. Napoleon Bonaparte. ...

Horoscopes: Winter 2023

Near True News Staff • February 15, 2023

HOROSCOPES ARIES (March 21-April 19) You stand, triumphant, over a battered body. You’ve won the desperate grapple for the construction paper cutout of Trevius Maximus, soon to be brought to...

Horoscopes: Summer 2022

Near True News Staff • May 24, 2022

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Don't catch feelings. They won't catch you. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Give into peer pressure. Do it. DO IT! GEMINI (May 21-June 20) You're not...

Horoscopes: Winter 2022

Near True News Staff • January 25, 2022

ARIES (March 21-April 19) You will try a yoga class only to find that you are not flexible enough to start becoming flexible. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) After watching 20 minutes of a...

Horoscopes: Fall 2021

Near True News Staff • November 2, 2021

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Sometimes, courage in the face of extreme improbability of success is stupidity. Please, calm down. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Beware of that which proclaims...

What’s your favorite thing about hybrid learning?

Near True News Staff • March 9, 2021

Top 7 Numbers

Near True News Staff • March 31, 2020

1. "Yummy" by Justin Bieber 2. 8,222,756 3. Seventy-one (Thanks, mom) 4. MMDCCCLXXXVIII 5. Number 4 (Say it out loud. Get it?) 6. 55 (obviously…) 7. pi(e) 8. 773-202-LUNA (For endorsement purposes) 15....

New Trier Winter Carnival Rooms Announced

Near True News Staff • March 14, 2017

Thought Thinking Paint Watching Handbook reading and analysis DMV simulator Quiet Time Non-gender specific standing Bipartisan debate Snack Bar: Gluten Free Rice and Diet Water ...

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