Horoscopes: Winter 2022


ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You will try a yoga class only to find that you are not flexible enough to start becoming flexible.


TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

After watching 20 minutes of a Netflix documentary, you are now a leading political voice for your generation.


GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Make sure to watch your back. And both your faces.


CANCER (June 21-July 22)

You will make skinny jeans cool again and KW students everywhere will curse your name


LEO (July 23-August 22)

You (Taylor’s Version) will soon belong to Taylor Swift 


VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

Someone in your health class will argue that heroin is safe because their cousin told them Oregon is legalizing it. 


LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

The ghosts of APUSH past, present, and future will appear and show you what your life would have been like if you had taken American Studies. 


SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)

Someone (FIND) is trying (THE) to send (MOTHERSHIP) you a message 


SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)

Your self esteem will rise — we promise it really will this time — after you check your Canvas ‘what if’ grades one more time. 


CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

You will spend four weeks meticulously constructing the perfect schedule, complete with two electives and a perfectly placed free period, only to have it all come crashing to the ground when you remember  lunch exists.


AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

You will accuse your boyfriend of being an antivaxxer after finding out the medicine he has been giving his dog is Ivermectin.


PISCES (February 19-March 20)

Your iPad case will come in handy when you need to crack open coconuts on a desert island.