ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Don’t catch feelings. They won’t catch you.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

Give into peer pressure. Do it. DO IT!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

You’re not like other girls. You’re an emu.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Your next drop of caffeine will be fatal, but you can’t survive without it.

LEO (July 23-August 22)

You will muster up the courage to ask your teacher to use the bathroom, only to find it has been reserved by the Pooping Team.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

Beware of warnings!

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

The socks you wear will be brighter than your future.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)

You will make ankle monitors the newest fashion accessory.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because New Trier once again is on fire.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

You will join the revolution to overthrow the Near True News’s oppressive co-editors.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

You will soon have an insatiable love for excessively long Walgreens receipts.

PISCES (February 19-March 20)

You will finally steal an elevator pass, only for all the elevators to mysteriously break down.