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  • New Trier will rebrand to Ewnay Riertay in remembrance of those lost to the Swine Flu
  • As part of a massive marketing deal with Smuckers, teachers will have to advertise jelly in between passing periods
  • Scientists determine that infinite monkeys with typewriters could not write New Trier’s course catalog if given eternity
  • New Trier reveals 2028 plans to begin construction of a Seville campus to combat falling AP Spanish grades
  • New Trier makes revolutionary move cracking down on student vaping, adds cameras to every bathroom stall
  • New Trier announces “Zero Senioritis Policy”; implements mandatory testing, lockdowns, and quarantining for afflicted E-Building classrooms.
  • New Trier sees quarter zips decline as wearing a top hat and tux is the new craze

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

Avery S

Avery S, Professional obsessor and critic of amateur (i.e. all) fanfiction

Avery is not the first mutant to attend New Trier, but she is the first one who gets nauseous at the sight of chalkboards. In her free time she attempts to be Spider-Man while trying to overcome her fear of spiders. She is famous for regretting taking summer school, eating anything with curry, and giving unsolicited movie opinions to strangers. Her special skills include ruining pasta and having no plans on a Friday night. Avery’s dream is to wake up in a nursing home with no relatives. Please note to not discuss any topics with her as she will get very aggressive in her opinions.

All content by Avery Sturm
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