The NFL recently released data explaining why and how their players are so successful, and the astounding results have inspired New Trier football players to follow in the professional athletes’ footsteps. As it turns out, these world class players, rather than eating healthy foods like broccoli and Brussels sprouts, are actually consuming peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with no crust for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. These sandwiches are called Uncrustables. They aren’t eating just a few Uncrustables… but tens of thousands ⁠— and New Trier student athletes are taking notice. 

Recent data shows that the NFL eats 80,000 Uncrustables each week as a whole. This is nothing compared to how many Uncrustables New Trier’s kicker, John F. Leggedy eats each week, raking in 923,045 crustless PB & J’s every seven days. 

We talked to Leggedy and asked him about his experience eating Uncrustables as a main food group: “Man, I just hate the crust on all my sandwiches, I want that soft type PB and J if you know what I’m saying.” Clearly, Leggedy fancies these crustless sandwiches for their quality of taste, but the sandwiches hold a power even more magical than their deliciousness. Leggedy claims that, “The absence of crust in each sandwich allows me to digest the ingredients more quickly, leading to bursts of energy after each snack.” Perhaps this star kicker has discovered the key to athletic greatness: crustless sandwiches.

The more Uncrustables Leggedy eats, the more superior his kicks become. Because of his massive weekly consumption, he has received D1 football offers from hundreds of colleges, including Ole Miss, Ohio State, and University of Alabama. Even so, he announced his commitment to UNC because they too eat the most UNCrustables. 

After Mr. Leggedy told the teammates about his habit, they began to immensely shovel in Uncrustables themselves, following in his brave footsteps. After Varsity Head Coach Allen Tinklefeld heard about this nutrition trend, he thought eating Uncrustables might intensify his coaching abilities. He too started to consume hundreds of Uncrustables each day, easily out-consuming the Denver Broncos, who consume a meager 700 sandwiches weekly.

On Senior night, the New Trier football team traveled to the Uncrustable factory in Sandwich, North Dakota. There, the team feasted on all the Uncrustables they could, until their stomachs had reached maximum capacity. During the senior night game, every single player balled out like never before. The kicker made 13 field goals, the quarterback threw 20 touchdowns, and the coach made the best play calls of his life. This season, the New Trier football team qualified for the state finals and won, all thanks to a magical combination of crustless starch, peanut butter, and jelly.