This past semester, scientists in New Trier’s Nurse’s Office have wrapped up a detailed study on student mental health and stress levels. The study comes in the wake of complaints from students and parents alike that New Trier was working students “too hard” and “not letting students submit TikTok videos for credit.” While New Trier’s Head of Human Health, Healing, and Happiness Hansel Hubert argued that “New Trier has never once had a negative affect on students’ stress levels,” out of courtesy for members of the community, the school began looking into the seemingly trivial matter.
The scientists measured stress levels around the school through three different measurements: size of eye bags (in square centimeters), percent of fingernails chewed, and attendance rate.
At first, New Trier scientists and administrators rejoiced as New Trier once again led the United States in largest eye bags in the United States, averaging 50 square centimeters per bag. However, the celebration was muted after they realized that students may have been right about New Trier’s education being damaging towards their mental state.
Facing this conundrum, New Trier had an important decision to make: continue their reign as the eye-bag capital of high school academia, or change the ways things have been run for centuries and put their students first. In order to encourage them to make the right decision, the US Congressional Representatives from Illinois stepped up and channeled funding to subsidize the effort.
“Although I do believe that having no free time builds tremendous character for students, the 13 billion dollar subsidy is just the right amount needed to replace the withering E wing,” said Superintendent Don MacMaffin.
To assist students, Hansel Hubert and his team of Human Health, Healing, and Happiness Helpers offered a few choices. One of the more popular options was letting students borrow one fun colored pencil for a week, each with its own inspirational phrase. Additionally, students offered up adding more caffeine to Bubblrs as a solution; however, doctors heavily advised against that, given caffeinated New Trier students have heart rates vastly higher than the rest of the animal kingdom.
With few options left, New Trier administrators threw in the towel and agreed to lower the amount of homework allotted to students every night, allowing them, given they avoid distractions, to get to bed at 3 AM, instead of the previous 4:30 AM bed time.
The official ruling the school gave each course was that they are required by New Trier law to decrease their current expected homework load by 10%. This new policy affected each course differently; for example, AP Great Books now requires students to read 10 fewer pages of Aristotle per night, while AP Physics C requires students to discover a new form of matter every 2 weeks instead of once a week. Alternatively, Kinetic Wellness teachers are introducing “home-sports” after realizing they too can give homework as New Trier teachers. Given all the changes occurring due to the new homework regulations, our data crunchers here at Near True News believe that students will be looking forward to 8.4% less homework per night, or, for students not in Calculus, 12 hours per night instead of 13.
All in all, students can rest easy knowing that they may be able to pick up an activity outside of school once the new rules come into place. However, New Trier did have to sacrifice yet another ‘#1’ to the Saudi School of Rocket Science and Impossible Equations, which now reigns as the world’s new most stressful school.
