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  • New Trier will rebrand to Ewnay Riertay in remembrance of those lost to the Swine Flu
  • As part of a massive marketing deal with Smuckers, teachers will have to advertise jelly in between passing periods
  • Scientists determine that infinite monkeys with typewriters could not write New Trier’s course catalog if given eternity
  • New Trier reveals 2028 plans to begin construction of a Seville campus to combat falling AP Spanish grades
  • New Trier makes revolutionary move cracking down on student vaping, adds cameras to every bathroom stall
  • New Trier announces “Zero Senioritis Policy”; implements mandatory testing, lockdowns, and quarantining for afflicted E-Building classrooms.
  • New Trier sees quarter zips decline as wearing a top hat and tux is the new craze

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

Brooks N.

Brooks N.

Brooks hails from a world beyond the realm of human consciousness, in an interdimensional pocket between space and time, at the crossroads of light and darkness. Since his birth alongside the creation of the universe, many, human and celestial alike,  have described him as more of an omnipotent spectre of energy than a true living, breathing being. In his free time, the “All-Encompasser” enjoys long walks on the beach and spending time with his gerbil, Franklin. Alongside love and the human desire for violence, Brooks believes satire to be one of the few eternal pillars of this universe.

All content by Brooks N.
Ask a “Self Certified” Nice Guy: 2

Ask a “Self Certified” Nice Guy: 2

Brooks N. May 19, 2026

Greetings my fellow alpha males. As of today, it’s been 8 years since I last dropped some uncensored and unsolicited advice on you normies. The world around us has changed a lot and you guys really need...

New Trier Introduces New Wellness Initiative

New Trier Introduces New Wellness Initiative

Brooks N. May 19, 2026

This past semester, scientists in New Trier’s Nurse’s Office have wrapped up a detailed study on student mental health and stress levels. The study comes in the wake of complaints from students and...

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