Greetings my fellow alpha males. As of today, it’s been 8 years since I last dropped some uncensored and unsolicited advice on you normies. The world around us has changed a lot and you guys really need some advice from an S-Tier gentleman like me.
Q: How do I ask out this guy?
A: Don’t be a scared Chad, meet them out at a special event, perhaps at their dentist appointment or their cousin’s christening! That’ll be sure to show them that you deserve their respect. If you really want to earn their love, sliding a Benjamin so they can buy the new League of Legends skin isn’t a bad idea either.
Q: I get mogged in every photo I’m in. How can I height-max to be more gentlemanly?
A: Tall friends causing you problems . . . I get it brochacho. If you want the most efficient height-maxing, take out your friends’ kneecaps before they snap the photo. If you really need to, apologize later with a frothy Mountain Dew.
Q: I’m thinking about picking up a sport in the spring. Any recommendations, Mr. Nice Guy?
A: New Trier really doesn’t have many sports that require real talent, other than the Overwatch eSports team. But even they don’t appreciate what sigma gamers like me bring to the team. If you really want a fun sport to play, I’m looking for someone to larp as goblins with after school.
Q: I’m really nervous about my college decisions!
A: My guy. College is a government scam made to indoctrinate the Chads. Once you realize that, you can escape the matrix.
Q: I like this girl’s Instagram everytime she posts but haven’t ever talked to her in person. What should I do?
A: Females love gentlemen who have nothing but the utmost chalance, if you’re not commenting at least 3 times (not including gifs) then you’ll never find yourself a woman. Once a female is guaranteed at least 18 notifications a day from you, she’s required to love you back.
Q: What’s the best workout split in the gym?
A: I proudly mog every beta “weight lifter” when I go to the gym. I simply dance as hard as I can to EDM music in the pilates room for sessions of up to 30 minutes. The smell I produce is enough to woo any female and I’m guaranteed not to gain any of those ridiculous muscles that ladies pretend to love.
Q: Sheldon, what did I say about writing this little blog of yours? Your father and I will speak with you later.
A: I would rather you not comment on my professional advice column, mother. It undermines the integrity of the platform.
Q: What’s the best way to escape the friend zone?
A: The motto I know you’ve heard me say again and again is ‘nice guys finish last.’ We stalk their families, we threaten any other suitors, and we publicly declare the future we will have with them on social media, yet we’re never given the change we deserve. If you follow my tips and still end up in the friend zone, it’s because the woman is not suited for a proper relationship. At the end of the day, it’s not our fault, the girls are the real problem.
If you really want more tips on picking up ladies, join my discord channel.
