In a stunning turn of events, New Trier’s biggest donor recently revealed himself in an announcement about the recently finished fieldhouse and gym. Written in letters of swirling flame upon a background of anguished weeping souls, their message read,
“WAZZZZUP TREVS, thx u sooo much for the spot!! The Upper Deck of Hell is gonna b so tuff right on the lake (;”
which was posted on Instagram from the @thereal.satan account. Parents and students alike were shocked hearing that the new athletic facilities they had been enjoying were funded straight from The Prince of Darkness himself.
“WAZZZZUP TREVS, thx u sooo much for the spot!! The Upper Deck of Hell is gonna b so tuff right on the lake (;” – Satan, Prince of Darkness, and Soccer
Far from the rudimentary rack and pinions of yesteryear, the brand new “Top Bunk of Heck” is equipped with top notch torture equipment, a testament to the large paycheck contributed by He Who Shall Not Be Named. The first Trevian to fall ill to the new field house was Adam Virtus, who suffered stage four heat stroke in his full block of KW soccer. However, Virtus was not the only student affected by the high heat:
- As New Trier Girls polo was beginning its preseason open gyms, two separate athletes, a senior and a freshman suffered blown out knees on the brand new turf.
- Additionally, the team’s all-star thoroughbred horse, Horsey McHorseyface, suffered a fractured horse tibia.
- New Trier Lacrosse decided to move practice outside, after realizing that what they believed to be plastic grass was actually razor blades and asbestos, not the ideal playing field for gym class or polo.
Since these incidents, students have been very wary of participating in activities in the field house, often skipping gym classes and morning practices. But New Trier students are not the only victims of the field house. New Trier has signed an agreement with The Evil One allowing him to bring in unrepentant spirits from the underworld to walk laps around the track, a fate all New Trier students dread. In an investigation conducted by New Trier’s Future Paranormal Investigators Club, the club’s head hunter, Don Spectre, witnessed a large group of the undead being tortured in the field house.
“I stayed after school to get some EMF (Electro-Magnetic Field) readings and there was this massive hooded figure forcing a bunch of poor, unfortunate souls to run the Pacer Test until each of them threw up their innards — absolutely disgusting”, reported Spectre. Unfortunately, to this day students are still filing reports of witnessing vile sights on the turf after school.
Students’ reactions have been increasingly negative since the establishment of the field house, some even starting petitions to try to sell it off to other demonic organizations, arguing the SAT could use it better as a testing room. However, gym teachers have yet to have anything bad to say, arguing a wee bit of torture builds character.
