Due to the lack of prominent holidays occurring during the month of March, the school has decided to observe all lesser-known holidays occuring on a chosen day. For March 19th, the day elected by the school board, this includes two dominating holidays: National Queso Day and International Day of Remembrance for Lost Limbs. We at the Near True News have collected some of the most unique perspectives on these new observances.

I think it’s a good start. I must say, National Queso Day is probably my favorite holiday—unless shark week counts. Then it would be my third. Because if shark week counts then women’s history month would also count. —Jack Colby, Sophomore

Simply celebrating National Queso Day is nowhere near the appropriate level of recognition for queso. Queso deserves an entire month dedicated to studying its rich history and geopolitical relevance. As for lost limbs, the current magnitude by which they are mourned is perfectly fine by me. —Sally Skype, Latin Teacher

For this day, I decided to take a day off school to dedicate to my lost hand, George, which I’ve kept in my freezer. We attended RibFest Chicago, one of his favorite events. I also stopped for queso on the way home in the spirit of celebration. —Larry Logarithm, Boy Who Carries the Curse

I don’t remember my feet. A day of remembrance would be nice… —Fred Flintstone, Construction Worker Stranded on Roof