Restaurant reviews!

Now with COVID updates!


This issue, our team decided to share our culinary expertise with the rest of the student body by highlighting THE chic restaurants of the North Shore. Here’s our list:

“The New and Improved Chipotle”–– Have you ever thought, “This restaurant is far too spacious. It smells nothing like wet garbage in here!” Never feel this way again at The New and Improved Chipotle! No need to sprint to the toilet–– here, they cut straight to the chase and serve your tacos as you sit in a Porta Potty. Don’t miss out on their patented Burrito bowel–– and no, that’s not a typo. COVID update: the few chairs they do have outdoors are made of recycled toilet seats, as they had to scramble to come up with something the night before restaurants re-opened. 

“Maison de Tueur”–– Once a crime scene from a series of seven grisly murders, this abandoned house really gets your mouth watering. The unfamiliar cut of meat on your plate is always tender due to being stored in the same blood-soaked attic where the bodies were found. Enjoy the beautiful scenery: a dimly-lit dirt-floor basement, eight mysterious refrigerators, and many vats of red sauce. You better set your reservation quick; the restaurant only allows dining for one, and you may tell absolutely no one where you are going. If you order ketchup, good luck. COVID update: They aren’t doing anything specific, but to be honest COVID should be the least of your worries if you eat here. The chances of you getting Cholera, or a dense croissant, are extremely high. 

“CollegeBoard Cafe”–– Order your food 8 months in advance at this tasteful operation! Nothing can highlight the brilliance of this 4 hour meal like the food itself. AP students love to gorge on 3, 4, or even 5 entrees at this beloved institution. But beware, the lobster will set you back $95, not including the $15 fee to have it sent to your plate and the $10 late order fee. Make sure to leave a nice tip: they insist that they cannot survive if you spend less than $250 per person. COVID update: If you want to eat outside, you have to pay $32, and even then there’s a chance you won’t get seated in time to enjoy your meal.

“Freddy’s Sushi Truck”–– Despite being shut down by the health department for “the most egregious violation of numerous health codes and animal abuse laws in US history,” nothing will stop this little van from serving its delicious raw fish. Nothing screams “adulteration of food products” like their famous Tapeworm Tuna Roll. This place takes “prohibited from conducting any sort of food-related business” to the max! COVID update: Since “Freddy’s Sushi Truck” is in the middle of a fish market, you run the risk of getting slapped in the face by a flying Branzino if you choose to eat outside.