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  • New Trier will rebrand to Ewnay Riertay in remembrance of those lost to the Swine Flu
  • As part of a massive marketing deal with Smuckers, teachers will have to advertise jelly in between passing periods
  • Scientists determine that infinite monkeys with typewriters could not write New Trier’s course catalog if given eternity
  • New Trier reveals 2028 plans to begin construction of a Seville campus to combat falling AP Spanish grades
  • New Trier makes revolutionary move cracking down on student vaping, adds cameras to every bathroom stall
  • New Trier announces “Zero Senioritis Policy”; implements mandatory testing, lockdowns, and quarantining for afflicted E-Building classrooms.
  • New Trier sees quarter zips decline as wearing a top hat and tux is the new craze

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

Maggie VD, Editor Emeritus

Hi! My name is Maggie. I am the editor-in-chief of the Near True News this year. I’m a senior and will be passing the torch to someone else next year, so I’ll do what I can to bring the club to the ground this year. Don’t touch my horoscopes!

All content by Maggie von Dohlen
Horoscopes: Spring 2021

Horoscopes: Spring 2021

Maggie von Dohlen, Editor June 1, 2021

ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will wake up in a cold sweat one night, realizing that you forgot to submit the bibliography for your Junior Theme.   TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A kitchen fire...

Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Maggie von Dohlen and Sofia Russick March 5, 2021

ARIES (March 21-April 19): When your hamster becomes rabid and attempts to bite you, you’ll realize your life has become Cujo 2: Snuggly But Deadly. It's a catchy title,  but you'll end becoming a mass...

Restaurant reviews!

Restaurant reviews!

Adam Ruzumna and Maggie von Dohlen November 20, 2020

This issue, our team decided to share our culinary expertise with the rest of the student body by highlighting THE chic restaurants of the North Shore. Here’s our list: “The New and Improved Chipotle”––...

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