ARIES (March 21-April 19): When your hamster becomes rabid and attempts to bite you, you’ll realize your life has become Cujo 2: Snuggly But Deadly. It’s a catchy title,  but you’ll end becoming a mass of confusion, sweat, and convulsions before you ever get to write the script.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): While waiting for your college acceptance letters, you will realize that the real college acceptance letters were the friends you made along the way.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your Christmas tree, which is still up, will spontaneously combust after the 568th Bee Gees ornament is hung on it.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): A vacuum bag will reveal where your lizard went. 

LEO (July 23-August 22): You will be horrified to discover you were unmuted the whole time.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Your geography teacher will have a meltdown about Mercator projection maps, so you must reunite Gall and Peters in order to prove that the only way to truly depict the earth is with a globe.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): While you’re driving to work, the Mars Rover will fall to Earth and land on your car. Queen of Mars will start playing.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21) : A walk in the desert will lead to unexpected realizations, including where Waldo is, and how long the human body can go without water.  

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): Orion’s Belt will finally align with the chimney of your house. A portal will open to another world, where you will teach the creatures on the other side the meaning of music, through the use of the Friends theme song. No one ever told them life was gonna be this way.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): While on a family vacation in Cancun, you will be carried away by a family of crabs, as their reenactment of The Little Mermaid needs more humans.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): The bad news: a tree will fall in the forest and kill Bambi. Oops!  The good news: you will watch the whole thing on your brand new 16-inch color tv!

PISCES (February 19-March 20): 

Every now and then

I know you’ll never be the boy

You always wanted to be

But every now and then

I know you’ll always be the only boy 

Who wanted me the was that I am

Every now and then

I know there’s no one in the universe

As magical and wondrous as you

Every now and then

I know there’s nothing any better

There’s nothing that I just wouldn’t do