Horoscopes: Spring 2021


ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will wake up in a cold sweat one night, realizing that you forgot to submit the bibliography for your Junior Theme.


TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A kitchen fire will lead to a shocking revelation: it WAS your neighbor at the grocery store, and you didn’t say hello.


GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You will rethink your decision to major in biology when your AP Bio teacher takes the class to a new theme park on Isla Nublar.


CANCER (June 21-July 22): On your next road trip through the desert, you will find yourself consciously listening to Nickelback, and you’ll realize an undiscovered power of Area 51.


LEO (July 23-August 22): A bite from your sister’s cat will result in a raging infection that causes you to hallucinate being back in 7th grade. Get ready to relive that very awkward bar mitzvah.


VIRGO (August 23-September 22): You’ll be forced to reenact Jaws in your friend’s pool as an extra credit project. I think you’re gonna need a bigger pool noodle. 


LIBRA (September 23-October 22): The staff cartoonist will pressure you to write another joke about JFK. Joke’s on her, you don’t know who JFK is.


SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): You’ll get your headphone wires tangled with the cute boy who sits next to you in English, eventually leading to you winning the “Cutest Couple” and, a few days later, “Worst Cousins” senior superlatives.


SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): You’ll be chosen to compete on the Price is Right. Don’t be the jerk who bids $1.


CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): Your math final will reveal that maybe a career as a statistics professor isn’t in the cards for you.


AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): You’ll finally find where you parked your car after that wedding. Now you just have to find your new wife.


PISCES (February 19-March 20)

(Turn around)

Every now and then

I know you’ll never be the boy

You always wanted to be

(Turn around)

But every now and then

I know you’ll always be the only boy

Who wanted me the way that I am

(Turn around)

Every now and then

I know there’s no one in the universe

As magical and wondrous as you

(Turn around)

Every now and then

I know there’s nothing any better

There’s nothing that I just wouldn’t do