ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Sometimes, courage in the face of extreme improbability of success is stupidity. Please, calm down.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

Beware of that which proclaims you can “work from home, set your own hours, and be your own boss”!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

You will desecrate a nondenominational house of worship.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Your favorite class will focus solely on its worst aspect.

LEO (July 23-August 22)

It could be cloudy. No promises.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

Your teachers all hate you now (you might not notice any difference in their behavior).

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

You will get an A in every class! (For effort, points-wise, nothing’s changed.)

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)

You will write “to-do list” at the top of a to-do list and then mistake it for part of the to-do list and make another to-do list.  A vicious cycle ensues.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)

You will be appointed as global ambassador for the horse people.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

Your soulmate takes selfies with an iPad.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

You will become the world’s leading activist against Dihydrogen Monoxide. 

PISCES (February 19-March 20)

Your soulmate has 24 other soulmates and you’ll need to compete for his attention on Monday evenings at 8/7 Central.