The incredible importance of enforcing a homogeneous environment is often overlooked. Although the advisery system provides shelter for the first 25 minutes of your morning, there is no break from the gender-mixing chaos of academic classes. Therefore, New Trier is ecstatic to welcome its newest after-school club: The Gender Separatists Society (For Girls). 

Founded to conquer the oppressive plague of gender integration at New Trier, the organization will provide an open space at local nail salons for girls, women, and anyone else seeking to avoid the male-dominated plane of existence. 

The Gender Separatists Society (For Girls) meets on Friday, the woman’s day of the week, and offers members a chance to join a community with goals to empower women, dismantle the patriarchy, and deal with the hysterical emotions that ought to be kept down when in the presence of boys. Of course, it is of the utmost importance that no boys are allowed into the club, or into the eyeline of anyone associated with the club. Assistant Principal for Student Operations and Curriculum Innovation Don McMaffan sportingly clarified, “These kids are way too immature to make meaningful choices about their place in the world; it’s best to stuff them into boxes and wait for them to fall in line.” 

When our reporter questioned where various nonbinary genders would fit in, AP McMaffan smiled and stated, “This is an important conversation, and I’m glad we’re having it,” before brisky walking away.

In addition to The Gender Separatists Society (For Girls), other plans to expand gender-segregated experiences are also underway. As classroom regulations are far too weak to block children’s healthy development, New Trier will be experimenting with all day gender blindness. Through a partnership with the New Trier Stables, 4,000 premium quality horse blinders will be provided for students to wear, effectively filtering out the bodies of students of the opposite sex. With this pilot program, it is hoped that students will be able to easily block out anyone but themselves, protecting their precious fragile minds. 

Finally, since science has established numerous gender truths (girls can’t read numbers, boys are incapable of creativity, etc.), students will have the opportunity to identify their specific gender skill sets when AP Psychology instructors assign classes using the BuzzFeed quiz, Tell us what’s in between your legs, and we’ll tell you your mental capacity!