To students’ surprise, the leaders of New Trier have announced a new $15 million plan to not help in any way whatsoever. The plan, which has been dubbed the “Inaction Plan,” is being touted as the perfect solution to a wide range of problems facing the school.

The idea behind the plan is simple: instead of spending money on tangible problems, like missing door hinges and ventilation, funds will be allocated towards a more “outside the box” approach: Doing nothing useful.

The plan includes small projects such as self-driving stationary bikes, a movie room that plays concussion protocol 24/7, and diesel-powered clocks. However, the plan’s main project is the construction of a wall surrounding the school. The intention is to barricade students inside during the school day, thus confining them within the building. This way, they will be made to speak to one another. Administrators predict that this exercise will promote discourse and innovation, thus allowing the students to devise solutions to these problems without the need for external intervention.

As expected, parents of students have been skeptical. 

“This plan sucks,” said one parent. “How will a world-class, state-of-the-art, self-driving stationary bike repair the ice machine or rehab the NTHS_Guest network?” 

The school issued a response, assuring critics that they are very confident in the success of the project: “By utilizing the latest technological advances, we plan to utterly transform our school. It’s an exciting privilege to be on the cutting edge of scientific progress.”

Assistant Director of Innovation Affairs Don McMaffin stated that the wall is essential for the success of students. “This wall will be a reminder to our students that we are here to help them succeed and push them to reach their potential,” said McMaffin, “All we have to do is nothing, just sit back and watch the magic happen.”