Power, Politics, and Punny Headlines: The Race for Club Presidencies

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New Trier’s political heat has been unleashed throughout the campus. As students find themselves bombarded with propaganda, election updates, and all sorts of political paraphernalia, the Near True News is here to deliver a comprehensive round-up of your New Trier political candidates! 

This election season has three races: Tri-Ship, Girls Club, and Student Council. Each race has its subcategories for Secretary, Treasurer, Vice President, and President. For brevity’s sake, I’m choosing only to deliver information on what the student body actually cares about: the Presidential candidacy for each club. This is also due to the fact that only 34% of the New Trier Student Body actually knows what a treasurer does. The other 66% speculate ideas of pirate booty and spots marked by X’s. But I’m told that a treasurer of any club will be administratively unable to deliver aforementioned booty or spoils. Poor show.

Girls Club

Starting with Girls Club, only two individuals have announced candidacy for President, both stating similar goals and intentions for their time in office. Junior candidate Kamala Harris (no relation) has promised to decrease embezzlement to under 25%, as well as change her name to Trevette to avoid confusion when two Kamala Harrises have keystone positions in global politics. 

The opposing candidate, senior Josephine McHalbertsonton, has also cited embezzlement as a key concern: “What is embezzling? Will this look good on a college application? Yes? Ok I’ll do it.” These two presidential hopefuls have cultivated a close and heated competition, with Near True Polls indicating a perfect 50/50 split support for each candidate. Politics have never been more polarized.

“What is embezzling? Will this look good on a college application? Yes? Ok I’ll do it.””

— Josephine McHalbertsonton, candidate for Girls Club president

Tri-Ship

The race for Tri-Ship has had a much more saturated election pool, with a total of 6 candidates. Bob Dobson, Jack Chan, Eduardo Goldman, Lakeisha Maximus, Daniel Renton, and Bongbong Marcos (no relation) have all thrown their proverbial hats in the ring for this upcoming showdown. 

Dobson claims that the club should be expanding to include even more ships: “Surely a Tri of Ships isn’t enough! We need Penta-ships, Octo-ships even!” 

His rival, Bongbong Marcos, has rebutted this platform, while also pivoting to personal attacks, claiming Dobson has no integrity, no passion for politics, and no booty. Dobson and Marcos are the two hotheads of the race with the most differing viewpoints. 

Other candidates Chan, Goldman, and Maximus, and Renton are all running a similar campaign to that of McHalbertsonton for the Girls Club leadership role: mentioning the value of school politics on college applications. 

Dobson and Marcos, however, both claim that any collegiate advantage is not their priority in this race. Near True News correspondents recently interviewed the candidates, and upon the utterance of this idea, both men held each other’s hand, leapt from their chairs, and chanted: “No. We aren’t doing this for college. We promise. This is real politics and we really do care. Please.”

Student Council

Rounding off the race are the Student Council presidential candidates. These students, if voted in, will have the most important job of any other member of the student body, with access to a direct line to the Principal’s office and School Board to ensure that the attitudes and opinions of the student body are heard and correspond to real change. Incumbent President Funny Name is running for reelection, claiming the successes of their previous term is a guarantee for future excellence. 

Under President Name, average email conversations with the principal increased by 100%. Before Name, no president had ever sent an email to the Principal. 

“Imagine what we can do with another year of Name!” Said Tri-Ship presidential candidate Renton in his endorsement speech. “Communication, progress, and real change, that’s what we’re bound to see. Thanks to President Name, last year, the Student Council actually decided what it’s supposed to do in school. If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.” 

Due to Name’s powerful status as an incumbent, only one other student has dared to challenge them: none other than Funny Name’s sister, Funnier Name. The younger Name, if elected, will be the second female student council President, and the only student council president to be a direct familial relative of an incumbent.

Without a doubt, this year’s election season will be one of extremely heated debates,but the underdog could pull through: the latest poll numbers indicate an overwhelmingly high approval rate for newcomer Funnier Name. As school politics become increasingly complicated, The Near True News vows to keep you posted with live election updates, numbers, statistics, videos, pictures, articles, live streams, numbers, and also statistics.