New Trier is known for its famous cuisine, the pinnacle of cafeteria food. Each day, students run to the lines just to get a taste of the saucy stir-fry and the crispy chicken tenders. The New Trier food pyramid reigns over this culinary Mecca—sitting upon the wall in a large bolded font. Yet while this food pyramid has remained the law for years, a discovery led to a complete change in students’ diets.
We asked the one responsible for the discovery, Jan Etor, the school custodian, about her food pyramid findings. “It was upside down” exclaimed Jan, “One day I was cleaning and I thought, who would ever want to eat meat and rice? Then shortly after I found the solution, we just needed to flip the whole pyramid upside down and eat food like gelato that isn’t gross and yucky.” Ms. Etor then swiftly whipped and nae naed several times before skipping off.
New Trier, believing their trusted custodian, spent a whole lot of dough to buy the new state-of-the-art gelato machines. Each gelato machine comes with vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and, our favorite, peanut butter.
Unfortunately, unsuspected problems arose from said gelato machines. Despite being state-of-the-art, each machine takes several minutes per student to make the gelato. Most students, diligently following the advice of the revised food pyramid no longer get the beloved paninis and stir-fry, all students just rush straight to the gelato bar for that cold sweet treat.
Concerned parents of New Trier students say that this change in students’ diets is “unhealthy”, To reassure parents Jackson Pullack, a New Trier student, commented on the new New Trier diet.
“I don’t know what the complaints are for,” Jackson said while eating gelato. “Are people trying to deny science? Look at the food pyramid, it clearly says that dairy and yummy sweet treats are on top. If parents have a problem ,maybe they should invent their own food pyramid.”
School administrators insist the new pyramid is “a work in progress”, though no plans have been announced to restore paninis, stir-fry, or wings to their former status. Lines for the sweet gelato continue to get longer and no one seems to question it; until the food pyramid changes, students will continue to consume their delicious frozen treats.
