What began as a quiet college application season erupted into a full on pandemonium. On Tuesday morning, New Trier High School unveiled its newest initiative to streamline admissions: gladiator fights for the coveted Early Decision application to Michigan.
According to administrators, the competitive admissions process has become so intense that GPA, test scores, and extracurriculars are no longer enough to differentiate applicants. “Michigan only has so many spots,” Principal Maximus said while in his full Roman emperor outfit. “Instead of having kids worry about applying to colleges, we figured why not let the kids fight it out?”
Gates gymnasium which is typically home to the basketball courts has now been transformed into THE TREVIUS MAXIMUS ARENA. Bleachers overflowed for the main event fight, students clutched their popcorn and yelled “GO BLUE” and “I BLEED MAIZE.” Parents in the stands were heard to be shouting, “My son will not lose to someone with a 31 ACT” and “My daughter was the president of 4 clubs!”
Participants armed themselves with University of Michigan approved swords and gladiator outfits from Rally House in Ann Arbor. Each contestant will battle with the other until only one remains. In the result of there being no winner after 20 minutes, both contestants will be eliminated. No eye pokes or charley horses allowed.
After a long day of battle that resulted in many ouchies and boo boos, the championship came down to two seniors whose GPAs only differed by 0.05. Samuel Spartacus (the favored winner) had a building in Michigan named after him—along with a non-profit fully funded by his parents. Spartacus hadn’t done much in his life, but he was great at bribing teachers to change his grades. The other fighter, Maizey “The Maize Menace” Mellatime, worked for everything she had. She had a perfect GPA, as well as a hefty set of extracurricular activities. All she needed was this win. As the crowd chanted, the finalists circled each other swinging their swords to try and intimidate the other. Pyrotechnics began to burst, engulfing the stadium in flames.
No eye pokes or charley horses allowed.
But after a slip, “The Maize Menace”—who, among other accomplishments, developed an app making all other A.I obsolete, fell to the ground, leaving Spartacus able to stand above her with his sword ready. Spartaus, had Maizey pinned to the ground ready to end the fight right there and then. He looked towards principal Maximus and saw the principal glancing upon the crowd. Principal Maximus’s thumb started aiming towards the ground causing the crowd with their foam fingers and hulk hands to start cheering. With his thumb pointed at the ground Spartacus knew he had the approval to do what had to be done. With all of his strength Spartacus yelled, “I AM A MICHIGAN—WOLVERINE!”. Before walking out, he was seen taunting students committed to Ohio State and blowing some scary raspberries.
