Getting into college is a stressful experience for high schoolers every year.  That’s why we contacted a local college admissions officer to help answer your burning questions!

Q: Would you prefer that I get an A in a level 3 class or a B in a level 4 class?

That’s an interesting point, and I must say, how original of you to think of such a unique question. The official position of our school is that I must filibuster and keep talking until you stop asking, because the true response is that in either of these scenarios you will never go to our college but rather spend the rest of your life eating dumpster trash with the raccoons. Are you still curious or can I consider this another crisis averted?

Q: Why is this process so hard?

As we always say, college is a punishment for being born, not a prize to be won. As you go through this process, always remember: just as childbirth is the result of Eve leaving the Garden of Eden, you must suffer for leaving the womb. In fact, childhood itself can be seen as one big womb, and as you step into the adult world be prepared for emotional waves, intense periods of pain, and your water breaking.

Q: What kind of SAT score will impress my parents?

Truth be told, without knowing your parents, don’t stress about the SAT. You see, the scores are not determined by your answers. Scores are determined by your advisor’s performance on An obstacle Course of Truth, or ACT. Each and every advisor is required to complete the monkey bar section, swing on a rope course, perform their choice of highly invasive medical procedure on a CPR mannequin, and retrieve an old hair tie from the bottom of the pool. So show them the latest season of Wipeout because it’s time to fall into a pile of mud.

Q: Who should I ask for a letter of recommendation?

Here’s the thing about letters of recommendation: no one really reads them. We used to throw them out, but with this new green initiative we have to reuse more material so we stuff the dorm room mattresses with them. Thanks, Obama. You may as well recommend something to us, like your favorite dipping sauce recipe or your to-do list.