Death by Ignorance


As the school days drag on and the clocks seem unwilling to move, students often ask themselves: Why do I need to know this? When will I ever use this? Is this worth sleep deprivation? Sadly, these tired students are finally seeing the aftermath of what happens when you don’t pay attention in class: Many New Trier alumni have been getting killed in knowledge related accidents. 

New Trier teachers have always harped on the importance of paying attention in class, insisting that they always teach desperately necessary information. The following deaths are some we must mourn and learn from:

Therome Pythonian: Therome received a D in Algebra 1 and 2. He fell off a cliff last month when traffic signs switched to a new system requiring drivers to solve an equation in order to understand the sign. If x=3y it means yield; if x= 975it means stop; if72+45=9x you need to slow down because children are at play. Sadly Therome didn’t think it was worth his time to solve and didn’t know that the sign a mile back was telling him the road stopped (=90ln). He plummeted to his death along the line x=0.

Chris Cole Umbus: Chris failed geography and Spanish. While trying to visit Colorado on a ski trip, Chris got lost and ended up in Cuba. Unable to ask for food in Spanish or use a map to find a hotel, Chris starved to death in the lonely streets of a town whose name he couldn’t pronounce.

Maria Curiea: Maria had a C average in all of her science classes. Last year she ate lunch after boiling water in her makeshift lab and forgot to wear gloves or wash her hands. The exposure to this deadly toxin (H2O) killed her within five days.

Frankie Stienfeld: Frankie was found over the body of a local man who was strangled to death. In her pocket Frankie had the picture of the boy’s dead mother and no explanation of how it got there. Frankie achieved a C- in Civics, which meant he still had faith in the legal system. He received the death penalty for his naivetee.

Listen to your teachers, kids! What you learn in school will someday save your life.