According to the most recent report by the Bureau of Educational Economic Statistics (BEES), the academic economy at New Trier has entered a period of negative growth for the first time since the AP Bubble of 2019.
The downturn in question, called academic stagflation, has spread rapidly throughout the Midwest’s public schools, and is marked by unprecedented levels of GPA inflation, rising student apathy, lower college enrollment, and higher burnout rates.
“Academic Stagflation is the single greatest threat to the Gross Output of Student Hubris (GOSH) of high schools everywhere” claimed Dr. J. Smith, a tenured professor of Sub-Collegiate Economics at MIT.
Academic stagflation usually begins with the introduction of the Parent Confidence Index (PCI), a measure intended to increase teacher accountability. Following this decision, the GPA per capita skyrocketed as teachers became increasingly penalized—by the parents of their own students—for giving anything less than an A to everyone. Gross Relative Output for Student Success (GROSS) —the average number of hours a student spends on homework per week—rapidly dropped in the months after GPA per capita began to rise.
“Academic Stagflation is the single greatest threat to the Gross Output of Student Hubris (GOSH) of high schools everywhere” – J. Smith, MIT tenured professor, Sub-Collegiate Economics
As expected, colleges begin to shy away from the afflicted schools after changes in these academic indicators became public information. As such, the afflicted school sees a sharp decrease in the Standardized College Of Placement Educational Score (SCOPES), a measure of determining how well students are placed into colleges. At this point, the afflicted school will likely never recover.
New Trier’s unweighted GPA per capita had risen to 4.07 as of last Tuesday, an increase of almost 0.4 since this time last academic year. GROSS measurements per capita has already fallen over two hours a week since the PCI evaluations were introduced two months ago. Students have taken to the hallways chanting “No work, all A’s!” in protest of recent grade deflation rumors.
Despite repeated warnings from experts, New Trier Administrators have doubled down on their policy of parents evaluating teachers on a broad variety of measures, including, but not limited to, “email emotional warmth,” “perceived nurturing energy,” “likelihood of making my child into an Ivy League admit,” and “Child’s Happiness With Grade Received.” Teachers have been told that “anything less than a perfect report” will likely cost them their jobs, per an anonymous English teacher.
The administration has repeatedly stated that the Resisting Activate Intelligence and Supporting Educating (RAISE) “is working to quell any momentary unrest; [RAISE] will distribute a Student Stimulus Package to mitigate any unintended consequences of recent administrative actions.” Additionally, insider sources report that teachers hardest hit by GPA inflation will receive emergency bailout funding in the form of unused Scantrons, and New Trier administrators have proposed cutting extracurricular spending to reduce the homework deficit.
According to the most recent statistics released by the RAISE, New Trier’s SCPS has declined precipitously. As of the time of publication, The Higher Economics Review Over Objective Facts (THEROOF) is reportedly considering declaring an Academic Recession at New Trier. In response to these concerns, administrators at Evanston Township High School, Glenbrook North High School, and Glenbrook South High School have all placed steep tariffs on transfer students from New Trier, currently set at two hundred Homework Hours and eighty essay hours per student, effectively insulating their academic environment from the inflationary pressures of New Trier transfer students.
Professor Richard Jolly, an associate professor of college admissions, claims that “within the next decade, it seems likely that New Trier will suffer total academic collapse.”
“If this trend continues, we could see negative homework interest rates—students being paid to turn in late assignments,” Jolly warned.
Despite the widespread panic, the administration remains confident that “trickle-down learning” will soon restore stability and productivity at New Trier.
