Following a unanimous vote by the New Trier Council of National Defense, New Trier High School has officially launched a “special military operation” against the villages of Winnetka and Kenilworth.
“For too long New Trier High School has been artificially constrained by the puppet towns of Winnetka and Kenilworth,” stated New Trier Adviser Chair of Defense Sarah Wright, “we must secure the additional land needed for the survival of New Trier. The circumstances demand that New Trier forcefully defend its own interests through the liberation of the false entities of the North Shore.”
The declaration of hostilities comes after a series of expansionist moves that some have labeled as “overtly hostile” or “in direct violation of county, state, federal, and international laws.” The expansionist moves in question include, but are not limited to:
- New Trier’s “devastating” surprise attack on Loyola, resulting in the acquisition of Loyola’s student body and athletic facilities.
- New Trier’s seizure of the Indian Hill Train Station in Winnetka, a move reportedly intended to “secure the means of transportation and future expansion for the New Trier community.”
- Repeated nighttime raids of houses on Winnetka Avenue, Abbotsford Road, and Sunset Road.
In a rare show of unity, the United Council of North Shore Municipalities has come together to issue a joint condemnation of New Trier’s “reckless and provocatory conduct.”
In response to the declaration, forces consisting of apathetic KW teachers, overly enthusiastic freshmen, and seniors completing their civics requirement have begun to mobilize along Winnetka avenue. Early reports from embedded journalists indicate that New Trier’s band has been repurposed as an “acoustic suppression unit,” instructed to “deafen and demoralize” enemy combatants and civilians by playing the New Trier fight song.
According to internal documents leaked by the New Trier Council of National Defense, the administration plans to justify the campaign through “the Trevius Corollary to the MacMaffun Doctrine” which posits that New Trier has a divine right to claim any land on which any of its students have taken an AP test, played a game of football, or lived. Pursuant to this policy, New Trier High School has claimed that both Winnetka and Kenilworth fall squarely within their “Academic Sphere of Influence.”
Despite the rapidly escalating conflict, New Trier’s administrators have taken great pains to reassure parents that the conflict will “smoothly fit into our pre-existing block schedule and extracurricular activities.” Faculty that elect to participate in the conflict have been told that they can log the time as “professional development.”
The Cook County Office of Inter-Municipal Relations has released a statement calling the conflict “deeply troubling,” noting that New Trier’s aggressive maneuvers have already disrupted local traffic patterns, regional stability, and three local pickleball tournaments. The office has urged all parties involved to show “restraint” although insiders at the office report that the conflict is rapidly growing past the “upper limit of suburban diplomacy.”
Meanwhile, New Trier’s Superintendent, Don MacMaffun, appears unphased; last Tuesday, he announced that the school’s long-term objectives include the “permanent stabilization of Winnetka,” the “liberation of Kenilworth,” and “the eventual annexation of Wilmette and Glencoe—if time permits.”
