New Trier has formally disbanded its storied Pooping Team following a consistent lobbying effort by the parents of New Trier Township and the dismissal of the copyright lawsuit brought by the Pooping Team against New Trier Stool.
Effective as of last Monday, New Trier has declared Pooping Team to be an “unsanctioned activity” and has formally flushed famed competitive pooper, beloved pooping coach, and toilet therapist coach Bo Wells, who is now circling the drain professionally. Sources say that Wells is planning to take some time off to “let things settle.”
Across forty distinguished years, New Trier’s Pooping Team has averaged a 9.2/10 in the consistency category, a 8.7/10 in the length category, and a 9.5/10 in the trick category—the team’s specialty—across over 200 competitive events. The team won Nationals in 2017 following what has been called “the single greatest season in all of High School competitive pooping” by ESPN, who ranked the 2017 Team just above the 1995 Diarrhea Dynasty from Claremont High School.
Pressure came from parents shortly after said victory, as parents honed in on the career-ending injuries sustained by pooping prodigy Luke Flush following his attempt at the flaming double decker in the state championship in 2018—a move now banned across all competitive pooping.
“After the Ivy League disbanded all of their Pooping Teams in 2022 following a massive flood of suits, Pooping Team stopped being seen as a way to get into a good college” explained former Pooping Team captain Johnny Flush, younger brother of Luke Flush. “Many people were only in it for the recruitment, not for the subtle art of the perfect poop. Declining membership rates definitely made us an easy target for meddlesome parent organizations.”.
The death blow for Pooping Team came when a judge dismissed New Trier’s Pooping Team’s suit against New Trier Stool, stating that “the only thing that stinks is this frivolous lawsuit.” Pooping Team was then ordered to pay for all of New Trier Stool’s legal expenses. As a result, Pooping Team was forced to auction off their proprietary prune pie recipe, long considered the Team’s secret to optimal consistency and stunning length, to pay for the court-imposed fee.
According to a recent survey from StuCo, “[o]n average, eighty-two percent of New Trier students are either strongly or mostly in favor of New Trier’s Pooping Team,” suggesting widespread student support despite the stink from parents.
Regardless of the opinion of the student body, after petitions from parents and the operators of New Trier Stool, the administration has decided to formally disband Pooping Team after their legacy was, quite literally, wiped away.
